Motivation...

Motivation, carriere, c'est a dire quoi faire au quotidien...

Enceinte les forums de nanas c'est parfait pour passer la journee a glander. Et puis j'avais plus important a penser que ma carriere. La vie, les hormones, le lait, l'evitement des vergetures, c'est autre chose quand meme!

Le retour de conge maternite, c'est terrible! tout est nul, tout a change, je n'avais plus vraiment ma place. Dans ces cas la, je ne lutte pas, je fuis. Hop...facile...bon je fuyais

Maintenant, ma carriere c'est important. Presque toute seule, ne comptant que sur moi meme - et mes sous - c'est plus difficile de faire l'autruche. Quand on n'a pas assez de promos ou de bonus. Qu'on ne travaille pas vraiment a fond mais que les autres a cote n'ont pas l'air a fond non plus et ont plus. Alors pour une fois, au lieu de fuir (bon en cherchant un peu a fuir quand meme) et bien j'ai parle. De mon mecontentement, de mon desaccord, de ma frustration.
Et finalement c'est pas si difficile.
En plus c'est assez therapeutique, meme si les reponses sont assez formatees.
Bref dire que je ne suis pas d'accord, et pas contente, c'est pas si difficile. C'est meme assez facile. Et puis ensuite on se sent mieux.

Une decouverte

C'est presque motivant!

J'envise eventuellement de l'appliquer a ma vie privee...peut etre...un jour...si si!
Et comme ca j'eviterais toutes les ruptures catastrophique dans ma vie, quand l'autre decouvre - avec grand etonnement - apres quelques mois, annees ou decennie, que je ne suis pas contente, mais alors pas du tout.

Finalement tout est de ma faute, hihi (ca c'est mon ricannement idiot)

The independent

Voila ce que j'ai vraiment appris : l'independence.

Le plaisir d'etre seule parfois, sans paniquer ni se sentir abandonnee.

Et meme de n'avoir rien de prevu au dejeuner. Ne pas appeler une copine mais preferer une terrasse, toute seule, et puis quelques courses. Avec un tres grand plaisir.

Ecouter Brassens dans la voiture, chanter faux et ne deranger personne.

Lire le blog de Garance en buvant mon the.

Ecouter le podcast de Ruquier ou de Baffie, en riant des blagues de cul lourdingues et en se rejouissant de la liberte d'expression francaise.

Ne pas toujours essayer de rendre les autres heureux...et ne pas me rendre triste pour cela...hop

Resolutions

Aller hop on recommence. En mieux.

Il revient, pour elle. On va partager, 50/50...

Et moi je vais:
-lui accorder du temps, pour elle, rien que pour elle, avec toute mon attention, sans textos et telephone
-faire de la routine du soir un moment de detente pour nous deux, lui lire un histoire ou lui en raconter
-ecrire avec elle un livre de recette
-ecrire avec elle les regles de la maison, qui de mon cote sont:
1-ne pas fumer (ca la stresse, ca me stresse, me coupe l'appetit, me fait une vilaine peau et de vilaines dents, me fait tousser, bref me pourrit la vie)
2-pas de textos a la maison quand on est toutes les deux a faire un truc
3-lire - plus - des bouquins des vrais comme j'aimais, pour rever
4-elle ajoutera un ou deux autres points...

Voila une semaine sans elle, elle me manque ma poulette. Je culpabilise aussi, j'aimerais faire mieux pour elle, et dernierement c'etait vraiment pas au top. Alors je me bouge, hop hop hop

Light, sparkles and shadow

Which one?

Today a woman asked the strangest question : "where is your shadow?"

It took me a few minutes to realized who she was referring to. It that true? a shadow? that makes me darker and sadder?

Betrayal

Betrayal, what is it?

is it someone cheating on you after 15 years? is it leaving someone storming out the door? or just not loving you anymore?

it is the latest for me, and it is not even betrayal. It is just the slow process of falling out of love...

Mess

N'importe quoi, le bordel, je ne sais plus rien...completement perdue

Un blog, un boulot, un mari, un mec, l'amour ou pas, qui j'aime ou j'aime pas, ce que que je veux, ce dont j'ai envie, ce qui me rend heureuse c'est vraiment tres flou...

J-5 avant l'aeroport. Un semaine -presque- comme avant. Pour se relaxer, discuter, ne pas mentir, -presque-tout se dire, ne pas le harceler, ne pas le bousculer. Rire manger et marcher. J'ai hate. Pas pour recommencer, juste pour un interlude de calme et de vie -presque-normale en famille.

Preparer a manger et aller a la plage.

M'attacher les cheveux.

Se calmer, se concentrer. Pour Sophie, pour moi pour lui. Juste une jolie parenthese.

J'ai tout gache. Bon on a tout gache. Je n'ai pas su le supporter, le soutenir et l'encourager. Ca je ne sais pas faire.

J-5. Tout nettoyer, ranger, laver. Arroser les fleurs et arreter de fumer...bien sur

Patched

That's it for smoking...patch is on since I am not able to do it without some help.

At least going back to my healthy life, without cigarette, drinks (well limited amount at least) and with a lot of vegetables

hm

Sad (yet again)

Last all together party planned for Friday...

My friend added today that "she was happy that I am not smoking anymore or she would have had to stop seeing me in order not to smoke again" cheerful

I feel like doing nothing, at work or outside.

My energy has gone away

Even the big award I received at lunch from my VP did not help. Since I cannot share with him, who cares about awards?

I am so sad

(we were so happy when we took this picture, it is amazing to realize how things went so wrong so fast, or maybe he was already not that happy and just pretending to be?)

the thrill is gone...

All I can do is wish you well...

Someday I will be over it all

(I prefer video # 2)

Ugly

Today was an awful day. Smoked 2 cigarettes, not too bad but way too much, and cried...

Because we did our usual Saturday morning farmer's market on the bay routine... with burgers and ice creams... and I knew it was the last time we were doing that together, and it was so painful to realize it...I cried in the car (he hates it but I could not help), I cried eating my burger (Taylor's burgers, best of the world ;) ) and felt awful all day.

How did I mess it up with him? because I decided that I did not have enough sex with him, and not enough attention either...

I am just a stupid animal, a primate, and he is an evolved refined individual which I do not deserve. He would never cheat or betray, so why I did not shut up?

Now it is too late, crying helps me a little I think, realizing and grieving and coping. But will not not bring him back... that's it, I am a piggy forever

(Oh the dog on the picture is not mine, just the dog of the house we rented last Memorial day week end)

"the easiest way to get over someone...

...is to get under someone else" (not sure that I agree)

I read this sentence in the book Eat Pray Love.

The beginning (the Eat chapter) is great, the second part (Pray) becomes boring, so boring that I gave up the book before the third part (Love)...I hope it does not mean that I am a soul deprived stomach obsessed person (and really I don't think that I am)...

It is probably a well known idiom and not a sentence from Gilbert...

However I am going to start by buying a Magic wand

hehe

what makes me happy...

Much better mood today...

I still smoked 2 cigarettes (so far) hm...but feel much better at least

My check list for instant better mood:

-listen to favorite radio show (podcast) > http://www.car%20talk.com/ on NPR

-check Garance Dore blog http://www.garancedore.fr/

-NSFW activity...(hehe - works great)

-drink green tea, or caipirinhas (depending on the time of the day)

-call mom

-read a good -or a bad - book

-cook something really complicated and time consuming (very rewarding)

-take a bath (with bubbles)

-cuddle with the cat

-talk to friend (who is not depressed)

-try a new restaurant

-go skiing

...

what is your list?

Change...

Now that my life is just a huge mess, I am going to try to use this blog to help me...

So starting simple, my husband of a few years (with whom I have been since 1997) is leaving in 10 days to start a new job 5000miles away...(difficult to make it further I guess). I am not following this time, since our relationship is a mess anyway, and am going to become a single mom...lovely...here I am, a pathetic loser abandoned by the father of her child...great...

so I smoked 2 cigarettes, like this is going to help...of course it's not, and I am very sad. It is so difficult to let go the man of your dreams, the handsome Clooney like hero, so proud and sexy. Part of it is my fault and I feel a little guilty, and stupid. But part of is not and it is probably a good lesson for me on how I pick men, and how I stay like a mussel when the warning signs show up...

Coping, getting organized, being happy without him, my best friend of so many years, seems like a big challenge right now.

I don't feel like doing the things I used to love, like cooking or even seeing friends...I don't really know what to do...except smoking...

pffff

Big Spender...

love :

Really need that today, I feel so sad...